I Live, Although Mostly at Work

August 30th, 2010

Life is definitely full of ups and downs right now. For the most part I am in good spirits and feeling pretty good. My last two weeks have been basically been work, work, and more work. Overtime is nice but the last six days I have worked I have spent like 17 plus hours alone in the store. That gets frustrating and old after a bit. It sucks being shorthanded and being alone in the store makes the time go so damn slowly. So when I get a day off like I did today I just mostly slept and had no energy to do anything besides go to the grocery store.

It has not been all bad though. Sales have been a little better and of course overtime is always nice. I also felt good by a couple of things in the last week. The first was working my ass off to make sure a fellow sales associate, Chris, did not lose a phone sale. He had a customer come in and return the sprint phone he sold her. That always, always sucks. Well as I was processing it she talked about going back to T-Mobile. So after a great deal of work I talked her into a new T-Mobile phone since she had an old crappy razor whose batteries had long since died. What I had hoped would be a simple thing ended up being a nightmare. Thankfully the customer was patient. The problem was three things. First she was a reactivation customer and not a new customer. So she did not qualify as a new customer. She did qualify for an upgrade though. The trouble was she wanted to keep her old number and did not mention this when we cancelled with Sprint. Finally three hours later we had the account set up with a temporary number and called sprint to reactivate her. Still though we were not done. We could not process the upgrade because the account looked like a new one and did not qualify. They said that we would have to wait til the port was done and then we could. The kicker was that it could take up twenty-four hours. The customer was not happy but she was understanding. I gave her the sim card I activated and promised to call her when we can do it. A few times that evening she called but never could we do it.

So the next day came and by two it still had not happened. So I started calling T-Mobile again. It appeared that the port had failed because when they told me to reactivate the sprint account, before I could do it they tried and got it rejected. Instead of calling me or the customer they had just let it sit there. So while I was on the phone they grabbed it. That though was not the end of the story. They then said that it would take thirty days to be able to upgrade her account. That was totally opposite of what they told me before. So I spent an hour on the phone and finally called my rep. She said that is not true and told me who to ask for. Finally after another hour I got it resolved and she was able to come in and get the phone. I am happy about how patient she was and about at least making sure that Chris got back the spiff from the returned phone. That is what a sales team should do, look out for each other.

The second was a customer that came in asking about Virgin Mobile phones. I talked to her and suggested Sprint. She said her credit was shot, but I was like you never know and Sprint is pretty easy going. We called Sprint and low and behold she was approved. She actually broke down in tears. That was a first. She had had a hard couple of years and had come to Portland looking for work, but it is a bitch to do without a phone. The only time I think I have ever had tears of joy was when Obama was elected. So we put her on the lowest plan.  She was very responsible. I believe she will do well. It is moments like that that make me proud. I feel like I have really helped someone.

Other then that, life has been decent. My Mom is still hanging in there. Everytime I talk to her she sounds so tired. That is another thing that has sucked about working so much and especially alone is that I have not been able to call her much. It is one thing that sucks about a three hour time difference. On the flip side though I have been able to be busy and not brood on it much. I do fear what emotions I will go through when it comes though. I know I am surpressing alot. Thankfully my co-worker John has let me talk about it a little bit and a couple of nights I got to hang out with him to loosen up instead of going home to watch movies.

Finally I have come to finally beginning to find out people who are real and who are not. It is funny most people here,m just like anywhere are fake, but sometimes you find real people where you don’t suspect them. I was illuminated these last couple of weeks by a few of them. One is a person on Facebook. I never met. He friended me after we traded comments on a mutual friends status or something. It was an out of the blue friend request, but I was intrigued so I accepted. For a long time we traded but a few words but then one night drunk I talked to him more deeply. The person makes me laugh and think. He doesn’t put on an act like most gay guys do. He is true.

That just reminds me of all the real people I do have in my life…I just wish I had more here. Anyway, I am going to wrap up. Might try to put more up later, but all is well with me and I am alive and kicking:)

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A Year in Memories

August 1st, 2010

First place staying in Portland, Darryn's House

I have now been in Portland one year and now four days. It was not the celebration I wanted but I wanted to write down the things I am thankful for since I moved here. Right now with everything going on it is good to remind myself of the good things and well there has been a lot of them. It is about focusing on the positive.

Of course the adventure all began last year on July 28 when I arrived to Portland from Indiana. It had been a hard move to do but it was well worth it. I still laugh at the fact of how fricken hot it was and it was HOT. It was like 105 when my plane landed. Of course that is an unusually high temperature and I think it was natures way of reminding me that it still has some surprises for me. I didn’t care though because I was just happy to be here. I grabbed a cab and I was taken to the first place I stayed at when I was here, Darryn’s Gay Palace, lol.

I remember arriving at Darryn’s that night a little after eleven. I had found a listing for rooms for rent on Craigslist and throughout the summer I had conversed with Darryn and one other roommate Heath about subletting Heaths room for a few months. If it worked out then hopefully I could slip into a room. I was excited. I definitely had never did anything like that before and that night I met the first roommate David and shared a shot of Grey Goose vodka. I felt that I was here and happy.

Roommates Darryn, Peter, and Heath on Halloween

I stayed at that house until November and had to leave when certain things were starting to go down. It was fun there and I am glad that I got to meet everyone there. Darryn was an awesome landlord and friend. He is someone that I know I can talk to everything about. He made me feel welcome and part of something bigger. He had a dog named Bishop that I just adored.

Bishop reminded me of my dog Kaiser. I hated to give him up but with the move and everything it was definitely not fair to drag him across the country. Plus I knew if I was in sales any length of time then there was no way he would get the attention he deserved. Bishop helped me feel less alone and miss Kaiser less. He was an old dog but one full of personality. I met him the first night when he decided to come out of Darryn’s room and bark. After that we were the best of friends. One of my favorite memories of him was the last day I was there, he came upstairs and crawled into my bed before I got up. That was him, my pal. Sadly he died shortly after I left, but he had a long life and I am thankful I got to know him.

Bishop in his Granny Sweater!

Also there I met got to meet Peter, a grad student that was renting another room. At first it was a little awkward, I often don’t put the best face forward initially, but I felt he was a good friend before I left. We could talk about computers, Battlestar Galactica, Desperate Housewives, and movies. He helped me get memory in my computer and helped me move. Whenever he was in a good mood around the house, I knew it was a good day. He was also willing to help me learn to ride a bike, although I was never able to take him up on the offer.

Of course then there was Jeremy. I met him on the first day I woke up at the new house. He was the only one there and also a fellow midwesterner, him being from Michigan. We were able to talk alot about movies, books, and such. He was by far the most outgoing roommate and the easiest to get along with. If he was home I knew that conversation would be had on the porch.

Finally there was Heath who was kind enough to let me sublet his room. He was a very adventurous person who when he was told he had to take a couple months off work for budgetary concerns just said fine I am going to go on a huge extended vacation. I felt truly welcome around him and when he finally got back I enjoyed talking to him.

The house itself I have many wonderful memories there. Mostly it revolves around the awesome porch we had. Almost every evening, one, two, or all of us were out there smoking, drinking, and talking. It was a very social atmosphere. Sometimes I did not know what to say, but when the conversation came to something I knew or if I had an interjection, I was a welcome part of it. I really miss those evenings.

Soviet Man with a Hot Stripper!

Then of course was the Halloween party. That was an awesome night. A lot of people came over and there was pumpkin carving and a lot of drinking:) I did not carve a pumpkin mainly because I just did not feel creative enough. I sort of regret that. Actually I don’t sort of regret it, I do regret it. But it was fun. I had to battle out an initial disappointment when a friend I thought was going to come didn’t. but well I got myself into the mood and had a lot of fun.

Then there was Halloween itself. I had given up doing something when Heath, Peter, Byron, and others drug me out to a party and then downtown. It was fun. I threw together a crappy costume of Soviet Man. It was where I wore my hammer and sickle shirt with my soviet flag for a cape. I had to laugh though because of the background I developed. If I was good at drawing it would have made for a funny comic book! I have to say that it might have been the funnest night I have had out on the town since I moved here.

Beyond the house though there were other things. I remember the first day I was here and going downtown and meeting up with Adam for a bit. We went from bar to bar. I remember the crappy Duck gay bar. I was like, wow this is redneckish. The deerhead on the wall and everything just screamed midwest and not the good kind, lol! I remember how hot it was and usually I have to pee all the time when I am drinking but I was so dehydrated my body was taking it all in! Still it was a good night. We also discovered one of my favorite bars here in Portland, Bailey’s Taproom. It is place I have been many times since then. It ended with us talking on the river front looking at the river.

Adam sitting outside Bailey's Taproom

After I had to move from Darryn’s house I managed to find a new place with a new awesome roommate and her cats. That of course is my current roommate Debbie. Once again it was through Craigslist that I found a place. I was getting worried about finding a place and she responded to an ad I finally posted. We talked and while I never had a female roommate before the more we talked, the more I felt we clicked. So after seeing the house in the NE, I decided it was a good move and I am ever, ever so thankful that I did.

Here was where I had my birthday. While I was definitely bummed that it was not as big as in the past. I wanted it to be a bigger thing, I am thankful that Peter and Heath came over for a bit and Darryn later. Darryn especially touched me because I was basically out by myself at that point and when he found out, he was like I’ll be there in ten minutes. That meant a lot.

My Current Home

Of course all during this I was working back at Radio Shack and while yeah I hated returning to retail, I was thankful just to have a job and one that made moving here possible. More importantly though it became a place where I met some remarkable people. There was John Cook who I consider a good friend and as boss was open to discussion on the business. More importantly I met my best friend here Lacey, or as I like to call her, my little Eva:) I could not ask for a better friend, co-worker, and family away from family. I always consider friends my family and with her I feel like that is reciprocal.

Christmas with Shawn, Rob, and Adam

Christmas was something I was worried about but several things alleived that. There was Kent’s gifts that he sent and surprised me. I still laugh at them and really need to find a place to put them. Damn I miss his sense of humor and role-playing with him. Never a dull time. Then of course was my roommate. She put a tree up and I knew there was a Christmas breakfast to look forward too. On Christmas eve Lacey drug me to her house and it was an awesome time. Great food….I mean crab legs, and her family was awesome. I felt very welcome there and while I was nervous before going, I felt really welcome. Finally Christmas day I spent with Adam, Rob, and Shawn. We played boardgames, watched some movies, and strolled around the streets around their apartment. I got to play Clue again and those that have played with me knows how much fun I have playing Col. Mustard:)

Lacey and I on her birthday at the Hutch

The turning of the New Year started the whole Lacey and John are dating practical joke at work. I ran into Lacey and her Dad downtwon on New Years and when John called and heard I was with them he assumed. We had a long scheme to go through the joke, but alas he finally found out. It was fun making it all up. It was getting really intricate. Lacey and I in cahoots together is clearly a dangerous thing!

February marked my finally really working on riding my bike. We had set a deadline of Easter for me to ride. Debbie had been all about me learning and if it was not for her persistence I would not be able to do it. I almost gave up but at that moment I managed to ride a block and half. At that point there was no giving up and soon enough I had managed to achieve a lifelong goal and discovered something I truly love. It has been involved in a lot of the high points of this year in the way of bike rides.

My Roommate Debbie and I on the Pretty Dress Ride

Talking of biking means that there were many awesome things that went along with that. There was my first bike ride that was the bunny ride. Even though it was cold, and rainy, it was the best easter I have had since I was little at my grandparents. Of course the Pretty Dress Ride followed and then of course the height of them, the Naked Bike Rides. It made me feel like I was part of the Portland community and with it all more confidence in life. I just need to find people that like to ride more often!

As the year continued I got to met another friend at work, Chris. From the first day of working with him, I liked him. He was geeky and fun to be around. He got excited at high tech gizmos, games, and movies. He also had come to Portland last year a couple of months earlier and was gay too. It was the first time I ever worked with someone else gay. It was nice to be able to share comments with him and talk to someone else.

Chris excited about his New Android phone

His arrival marked another event I loved and that was going to Powell Butte Nature Park with him. It was the first time since being here I could get anyone else to go hiking in a park. I love exploring parks and such, but hate doing it by myself. The park was truly beautiful and up until that point it was the farthest I had biked. It really was a pretty close to perfect day for me and that does not happen.

Well I probably could go on, but I think this is enough. It does what it is suppose too, remind me that while my year year celebration was not much, this year was filled with a lot. To those I do hang out with, thank you for all the times and the future times and for those that might have been fleeting friendship, thanks for the lasting impact. None of this could be done without you all in my life at some point!

Portland, City I love

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One Year

July 28th, 2010

Well I have officially been here in Portland for a year. Didn’t do anything to celebrate it tonight. Part of me wanted to go out, if nothing else to have a vodka shot to commemorate the occasion and because that was the first drink I had when I got here in Portland. Alas I didn’t. I want to be really excited about this, but with everything you know how it is. Originally I was going to have a gathering of friends this weekend, but numbers did not look good and with everything I could not get my hopes up and have them dash. I still have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off, so I will hopefully try to do something then just sitting at home.

Right now I am doing just anything to try to keep my mind off things going on. Today I officially got word that my Mom has cancelled her doctors appointments and they have begun the paperwork for Hospice. I was not surprise but in a way it makes it more real then before. I think it is slowly beginning to sink in. I hate this. I hate the feeling of helplessness and with everything going on I fear that I won’t be able to make it to Indiana before the inevitable. It pisses me off that my choices are constrained, but that is life in a nutshell I guess.

Today was also had a memorial here for Sisko. I know it sounds weird to have one for a cat, but my roommate really needed it. I understand because I know it helps. Even I feel the silence in the house now that Sisko is gone. When I get up and there is no cat to welcome me it makes me feel a little more alone. Right now that is not the time to feel alone.

I know with everything going on, I will survive. I always do. It hurts a lot, but for the most point I don’t give up. Even with everything going on, I am glad I have made it to this achievement. It maybe more lonely then I planned and have had more hurdles, but I am glad for the journey. I broke the rut I was in and while at the moment I am in another, I still feel like I have done the right things. I have experienced new things and have become more eco-conscience. I feel that I have become a better person. Oh I am flawed, but who isn’t. At least I try and in the end that is all I can ask of myself or anyone. I have taken a chance in life and while it has been far from utopia, life is not meant to be that way. I am glad I have had awesome roommates here and have one of the best anyone could have now. I have had many good conversations and talked to people with more varied ideals. I have seen things that in Indiana I never would have. I have had the privileged of always working with awesome people and having great friends. It all means a lot. So thank you Portland for letting me into your city. Here is to the first year. May this next one be one I soar in.

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The Slow Decline

July 27th, 2010

Well here is an actual update. I have been meaning to do that awhile but with the mounting shit that keeps building I just have been too damn drained. I wish I could say that things were going great but that would be a huge fricking lie. Things actually truly do suck right there of course is the crap going on at work. I won’t go into it, but that truly sucks. Then there is my Mom’s cancer and her time left is brief and to top it off, Sisko’s death. I woke up to an empty house and I can say that I miss his welcome and being able to pet him.

For those that don’t know my Mom has lung cancer and it is the most aggressive kind. Several weeks ago the doctors told us the cancer was in remission and she would have several more years. Friday that all went out the window as the latest PET Scans showed that the cancer was not only active again, but aggressive on the move. If she stuck with treatment she might get eighteen months, without it, weeks. Well as of now she is going to go without. I can’t say that I blame her, I probably wouldn’t either. It is about the quality of life and I know she is tired but nevertheless it does hurt. It is made all the worse because with the situation at work and the lack of sales it is hard for me to escape for anytime back to Indiana. Then when I do maybe get this worked out then other employees have planned vacations. Of course I still wont have the money.

It has been made all the worse because I still have not been able to fully process it all. Truthfully I just need to talk about it and I can’t do that. I have talked with it a little bit with my roommate but with everything with Sisko it just seems too much. Then the only other time really was with my old manager John Cook. When I went into work Sunday I sat outside before trying to call my Mom and trying to get myself together and he came out to see how I was doing. He brought it up and let me talk for a minute. It meant a lot and it just came from no where. The only other was a few minutes last night with Chris. Ironically he said one of the most poignant things. He mentioned how he has been having trouble quitting smoking but when he thinks of my Mom he can see no reason to continue. Out of all this shit it might be some meaning to someone. I need that right now because I am so sick of the world doing crappy things for no reason.

So as I said right now I am just still processing. When I come home I sort of go to my room and just watch videos. Then next day it is work and repeat. In Lafayette Dan would have cornered me and we would have taken a long late night walk to talk it through, but alas that can’t happen here. I have no real escape especially with the situation at work. It does put it in perspective though. My Mom and Sisko were more important then the shit at work. I believe deep down I will prevail at work. I have to because well, there has to be something that goes right. There has to be.

Well, I need to finish getting ready for work. Thanks for listening and thank you all for once again being part of my life.

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Sisko, a Noble Feline that will be Missed

July 26th, 2010


When I moved here into the house I got not only a roommate, but two wonderful cats to be my buddies. One of them was Sisko. When I first heard his name all I could think of was the routers, which of course seemed weird for a cats name. I was waiting for her to say that Spooky’s name was really Netgear or Linksys. The fact is that  he was named after the the Deep Space Nine character.

It was a rocky start getting to know Sisko. We had a few incidents where he peed in my room and I was like, why???? It was nothing you could get too upset, it was always on clothes or my coat and I always caught him and immediately through them into the wash. I think it was his way of saying he was here first. Soon though he got used to me and I did not have to worry about it. Hell one time when several of Debbie’s friends were over he sought refuge in my closet.

Yesterday on a beautiful sunny Sunday, Sisko passed away peacefully in the backyard. I got home shortly after Debbie had found him. As any of my friends know, I do love animals and definitely he will be missed.

It was weird on my bike ride home I was thinking about him. It had been a tough day for me. I found out that my mother was not going to do anymore cancer treatment and thus she has probably a only a few more weeks left and of course the is all the crap related to work. Sisko was on my mind I guess because in these last few months he was there as all pets tend to be when you are down. I was thinking about two nights ago when I woke up hyper early to go to the bathroom and when I opened my door he was just standing in front of it waiting for me. Then the Saturday night he conned me once again out of a third meal for the day by convincing me that Debbie did not feed him before she left….she had.

When I found out my Mother had terminal cancer and the whole situation was blowing up at work, he always was around to meow to me and just let me pet him. It was always so therapeutic about it. More then once he helped me get rid of the tears in my eyes. Whenever I felt alone, the cats both did a good job of reminding me that I wasn’t. Before I left work everyday I usually saw him and petted him for a minute and when I got home he always seemed to be waiting, hoping for food even if he had been feed.

Sisko, you really will be missed. This house will never seem the same. Thank you for giving me a chance to know you. It did mean a lot and thank you for being a wonderful companion to Debbie.

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Late Night Thoughts

July 3rd, 2010

Well it is a little after twelve at night now. I should go to bed, I get the fun of working the opening shift tomorrow, but I wanted to get some thoughts down before I go to sleep. It was no secret that the last few weeks I have been sinking into a funk, but I think I am past it for now. Last night I went out with Lacey to Putter’s and had a good night and a good talk. Lacey and her family is awesome. They are my adopted family here and the best thing about working at Radio Shack. Last night I was just reminded of that.

One thing she said was that she loved me because I make her face her fears and that I face my own fears. That is true in a way. I am afraid of heights, but I want to jump out of a plane. I am afraid of being alone, but I chose to move to Portland. That in fact is probably the bravest thing that I ever did. I mean two years ago, I never would have seriously thought about doing that. Especially with the way I did it by just finding someone on Craigslist. I don’t regret it and it is the best decision that I have ever done. I might not have many friends here and I might not get to do a whole lot, but I can say that I gambled with trying to find happiness. Maybe I will find it and maybe I won’t, but at least I have tried. That is all we can do in life.

It is those thoughts that make me not worry about being alone on this holiday. If Lacey had not went to the beach for the week, I know I would have had someplace to go, and people to hang out with. I miss the idea of cooking out, drinking beer with friends, and blowing stuff up on the fourth, but I can’t let it get to me. I am thankful for what I do have. I might try to go down to the waterfront after work on Sunday and see if I can see the fireworks…or I might not. I know I would have to get there early to find a decent spot, and fireworks are not as exciting alone. One way or the other though I am going to try to be happy.

Tomorrow too, I think I am going to do something at work that I have been unsure of. I am going to tell my manager that I am gay. I was talking to Chris today and it started to get me thinking about the whole thing. It had been on my mind for awhile. Eventually he is bound to find out. I don’t lie about it, but I avoid subjects like talking about girls and such. Plus when talking with Lacey at work or Chris, or John, I just want to be able to joke about it. I don’t think there will be any issues, but if there are, oh fucking well. I would rather be the one to take heat instead of Chris. I can take a backlash on me better then seeing a friend take it. Besides it would not be the first time someone judges me by being gay and not the last one. I stress though that I do believe that Edward will be fine with it. I am just always a little nervous before disclosure and sadly either way afterwards with Lacey out of town, I will not have anyone to talk with it about.

Finally the last thoughts I had coming home today is the realization just how vain the gay world is. I had high hopes moving here that things might be different. In Lafayette the whole gay seen was a clickish sort of thing and if you were not good looking you were pretty much left out. While not quite as bad here, it is still the same. Truthfully I am not surprised. I had hoped to have a stronger support group here that were gay, but that has not happened. I have in essence pretty much given up on the hopes of one day finding someone. It was a nice thought, but sometimes you have to be pragmatic. Maybe one day things might change and if it does that would be awesome. If not though, I have to just keep moving forward.

In the end it is like I have said in the past. You have to live in the moment and enjoy those moments of life that bring happiness. I have met some of the most remarkable people here. Some occasionally want to hang out and others don’t, but I am glad I have met them all. I am glad at times I have been able to help some people and do something that can make someone happy even for a short period. That is what life is about. So if there is no other entries before the Fourth, I wish everyone a happy Fourth of July.

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A Few Minutes of Pondering

June 30th, 2010

Well, I guess I am getting out of my journal slump and starting to get back into the groove of writing at least in this again. I decided tonight to take a break from watching Oz to put down some thoughts. Right now I guess I am feeling ok. Work certainly sucked, but you know that happens. Actually the only real issue was lack of sales. I worked with Edward today and it was ok. He let me leave a little bit early which made for a good practical joke on Chris by having Edward tell Chris I never showed up at work and then quit. Hey it is the little things that make the day go around.

The one thing that sort of irritated me today was that he changed the schedule next week. Originally I had the fourth of July off and the fifth off. I had not asked for it, but definitely was not complaining. Now I am working the Fourth but I do have the fifth still off. Part of me really wanted the fourth off, but you know, I sort of realized that I had no plans and was unlikely to have any this year. That sort of sucks because well, for the last few years that was always a holiday I did hang out with friends. One friend commented how excited he was to buy fireworks and when I mentioned I missed that aspect of the fourth, he suggested I get some. Truthfully the reason I don’t is because blowing stuff up is only fun in a group. So I probably will just go work on the Fourth and maybe afterwards head to Putters for some beer and pool. I know that is not exciting, but it means I will at least be around people and while part of me wants to go downtown and watch the festivities, that sort of does not sound fun alone.

I digress on that though. Since last week I am sort of feeling better about things. Tomorrow I am excited that I might be going to the midnight showing of The Last Airbender. One of my friends mentioned about going and I replied that if he could cover my ticket until the showing, I would love to go. I miss seeing movies in the theater. So if that happens, I am not sure he got the tickets yet, it will be awesome.

Other then that the only thing I have been doing is watching Oz and riding my bike. It is weird riding my bike because as of late I have been trying a multitude of different ways to get to work. I am trying to find my fictitious “Northwest Passage” to work. By that I mean I am looking for the shortest way with the least hills. I swear it feels like the hills move in this town! But I love the town also because of the hills. On a work day I ride a minimum of fifteen plus miles. One day I noted that I did over thirty and it did not even wear me out. That is a great feeling. I do feel so alive riding it.

On another note it looks like Richard is moving to Seattle. I am excited about this. That will mean he is but one Amtrak ride away. While I still will not see him often, I can see seeing him every other month or so. That will be completely awesome and even more awesome that he will be working again. When he told me his opportunity, well I think it will definitely be good for him and he is excited for it. What more can you ask for?

Tomorrow is my day off. Not sure if I will end up doing anything, besides hopefully the movie that is. Part of me wants to hit a park up, but we will see. It is about motivating myself to do something by myself, but as long as I get to ride there and the day is beautiful, I know it will be a good day.

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Resilience

June 28th, 2010

Today I was riding my bike through Sunday Parkways and had some thoughts and realizations. Sunday Parkways is a thing that Portland does where the close a bunch of roads for bikers and set of basically little festivals at the parks that connect the roads together. It is a wonderful thing that Portland does. Last year I think they just had one, but because it was so popular there are like five of them this year. That though is not the point of this entry though.

It has not been much of a secret that the last couple of weeks I have been in a funk. Actually this year in some ways has been as hard as it has been an adventure sometimes. I know by the end of last year I was sort of at my emotional ends with everything. I was definitely feeling the lack of being on anti-depressants and the feelings of being alone caused me to drift back towards the depression that I so thought I was done with. Now I am definitely feeling better, but still the last couple of weeks I have slipped into a funk which I am hesitant to say is depression because it is a lighter version. No more of a nostalgic feeling. It is brought on by loniliness in some regards and just the things I miss. It is the little things in life and the last couple of weeks I have been reminded of them.

Things I have been reminded of are sometimes the more mundane things. I was talking with one person about the movie Grosse Pointe Blank and he had not seen it. It got me excited and then it hit me that it was not something that I could share with him. Back in the day, if I had a friend that was interested in seeing a movie, I would be able to watch it with them. For some reason it is a simple pleasure of sharing something I like with others. I miss the long walks I would have with some friends and just be able to talk. This last week I had an issue that I really wish I just had a gay friend to talk to about. I miss someone inviting me to do stuff. It feels like a completely one way street and the truth is that I feel like there is more no’s then I have in sales. It makes me wonder what the point of continuing to ask is.

The funny thing is that I just haven’t given up completely. There is a part of me that says, yeah fuck it. Better to get used to doing stuff alone and to some extent I am forcing myself to just do that. Although once again I did not make it to Forest Park or Washington Park because hiking by myself just didn’t feel right. I did go to Sunday Parkways though, and these last few weeks, I went on several bike rides. Sadly Pedalpalooza is over:( Still, I have not given up. I bought two Decemberists tickets and while I think I know deep down I will be selling one before the performance, it is that hope that said fuck it.

While I rode today there was a moment that I was just carefree. I felt like Sean Connery’s character in Finding Forrester, when he was riding his bike at night after so long of being home bound. You know the truth is I know I am a freak of nature in a lot of ways. I fuck up on a lot of things. Truthfully I understand why I am not successful finding new people to hang out with. I mean if I had a choice would I hang out with me? Ok probably, but I have always been a glutton for punishment. I mean I am emotional and cannot seem to kill emotions like I once was able too. I am but a lowly fucking sales associate. I am often broke. I definitely am far for good looking. I sometimes can be argumentative. My humor can be sometimes tasteless. I loved the naked rides and nudity in general. I am too fucking honest.

Then there is the other side of the coin. I am the first person to try to be there for anyone. I may not have much money, but what I have I share with those that need it. I try to do little things to make people happy and never expect anything in return. When someone is down I do my damndest to cheer them up or lend them an ear. I do want to try new things. I try to better myself and be optimistic. I try to let nothing stick too me and cannot hold a grudge.

On top of that I have been lucky to have found good people in my life even if some are just fleeting moments. I have the best housemate I could ever have in the form of Debbie, and she help teach me the thing I most love right now, riding my bike. I have had the opportunity to know people like Noland, Wanke, Vince, Richard, and others that I feel like are my brothers. I was lucky enough to find a store here with Lacey working at, who if not for her, I probably would have lost all hope. More then that I have been honored to at least have gotten to know people like Chris, Adam, Shawn, and Rob here in Portland. I might not get to do stuff with them, but they have left lasting memories and impressions. That is something. Then there are the people in the bike community that have been wonderful in the bike rides and understanding with my learning curve and share my excitement in it. I may have been a retard when it came learning to ride, but none of them treated me as such. Then of course I am glad I got to know Andy before I moved from Lafayette. It was good to see someone that could make me feel good in myself.

If anyone thinks I made a wrong decision moving. The truth is no I didn’t. Even with everything here, it is still better then what Lafayette had in store for me. I was talking to someone from my old job and they are getting rid of all the clerks. I have no doubt my job would have been phased out and I would be unemployed and stuck in Indiana. I miss people there, but most are moving on from there. I am proud to have taken the leap to move because it was the bravest thing I ever did. It had defined me and let me finally be the person I am. I live in a community that I don’t feel like an outcast even without many friends. I just have to remind myself that sometimes. Plus if I had never taken this road I would always wonder and regret it. Here I can say there is but one regret and that was giving up Kaiser. I have no doubt though he has a better home then I could ever give him.

So as the title of this entry says, today is about resilience. Somehow I keep going in life. I am probably a fool, but like when Pandora open the box, the one thing that was left was hope. I will always cling to that. It is about appreciating the little things. They maybe something like a ride in the sun or a good conversation or discovering a new beer. It is the excitement of something in the future. It is about reminding myself of these things because if there is one thing I am, I am resilient.

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Most Hilarious Facebook Update!

June 21st, 2010

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World Naked Bike Ride 2010

June 21st, 2010

I have not had an entry in a bit and well these last couple of weeks have had things that I should like to note and remember. The first being the title of this entry. Last year I had heard of this event from a friend named Adam. I knew then and there I wanted to participate in it. I had never been a modest person and it really seemed fun. So that was one of the goals when I moved out here. During the whole learning how to ride a bike I began to think that I would not be able to achieve it. Learning the ride the bike was the best thing I have done in a long time and being able to participate in this ride was like my cake for it.

Last year the ride had about five thousand people. That was an increase of almost four thousand from the year before. This year they surpassed 13,00o! It was an amazing experience and classic Portland. I had to admit that I was a little nervous about the ride. It was not the nudity. No this was my third naked ride in Portland, but instead it was the fear of riding in such a large, crowded group. I am doing well riding but at times the starting can take me a moment and I worry about off course needing too much room. Plus I am not great at low speeds. My fears though were completely unfounded thankfully.

The night was a cold one, but once you get started you do not notice it honestly. At least that is the way I am. I tried to stick with a couple of bike friends I had started to get to know, but they were going slower then I prefer and with the crowds, I felt I needed to go with the flow. That is fine though. I find here and there conversations with people and joking comments we can make. It seemed as if the whole of Portland came out to watch and it was a party atmosphere. People had fun and in the end that is all that matters. I do feel like a Portlander now.

I will say that one of the things I will remember for a long time is during the day ride on Saturday we stopped at a Park. I saw a guy with a HTC EVO, aka PHONE I WANT!!!!!! So I started talking about it with him. Midway through the conversation I thought of the irony at the time. I spend my day talking phones at work, but this was the first time I was doing it naked, talking to another naked person.

Yesterday not only marked the World Naked Bike Ride for me, but it also set another mark for me biking. I rode more in one day then any other day. I thought it was just a little over thirty miles, but after finding out that the first bike ride was longer then I thought, I put the mark to close to forty miles in one day! That is awesome for me. Truthfully it did not feel like that. It really did not wear me out, although I was pushing it on the way home. It was not because of the distance but the fact I was pressing the speed to get home. I truly am proud of myself and rightfully.

Well it is after one am, so I should wrap this up. I have at least one more Pedalpalooza ride to go, and that is the Zombie one next Sunday. Have to get stuff to zombify me! That will be fun. I love Portland!

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